The Wizard of Osborne

On Top of the World

When I moved to Colorado back in October of 1998, I distinctly recall being curious about a few things:

1. Am I required to ski every single weekend?
2. What the heck is "the mousetrap"?
3. What's the fascination with hiking "fourteeners"?

Fortunately, the answer to 1) is, "No, because I'm a lousy skier," 2) is, "Part of the highway system I luckily do not have to drive through every day," and 3) is – finally, as of August 2, 2008 – "I get it now." At 4:00am on August 2, 2008, I loaded up into a Toyota Tundra crew cab with four other gals to hike Gray's and Torrey's peaks, two of Colorado's more popular and accessible fourteeners.

1From left to right: Patsy, Ania, Cambria, and Jill

Patsy and Ania are friends of Cambria; Cambria and Jill are friends and former co-workers of mine from Raindance. Regardless of who knew who from where, I could not have picked a more fantastic group of ladies with whom to spend seven hours slogging up and down oxygen-free mountainsides. And lordy, what a slog it was. The first peak we climbed was Gray's (seen in the picture above at about 2 o'clock from Jill's pink hat). Since the hike begins above tree line, the views in all directions are unobstructed gorgeousness right out of the gate (or, well, after around 2 hours into the hike).

After another hour or so passed, the views got even more expansive.

By this point, we were just beginning to work our way up the face of the peak and I started to wonder, "Hmmm, what have I gotten myself into?" But I knew if I just … kept… putting… one… foot… in… front… of… the… other… I'd eventually make it to the top. Yet, even right in the middle of this oxygen-deprived, self-questioning, motivation-sapped moment, I still looked reasonably happy and fresh. Well done me.

But then I looked up…

…and I IMMEDIATELY looked back down and kept slogging on. Before I knew it, I was standing at the top of Gray's Peak.

THAT'S ME. I'M STANDING AT THE TOP OF A FOURTEENER. I couldn't help but look around at that moment, take in the full three-hundred and sixty degree, peak-encrusted horizon, and think two things: 1) I ROCK and 2) I AM STANDING ON TOP OF THE WORLD. I immediately forgot how much effort it took to get me to the top of that mountain. I forgot about that conversation I had with Jill where we both said, "There is no way I can do Torrey's too." …and that second selective memory failure is good, because as I looked over to Torrey's Peak, I thought, "I'm already here. The weather is better than I ever could've hoped for. My legs have yet to defect from my body and still seem to work. Why the hell not?" So after a few minutes of rest our group of intrepid ladies (who had apparently had the same internal conversations) pointed our wobbly legs down the next trail and went.

Before we knew it (or, roughly an hour later), we were standing at the top of Torrey's Peak.

THAT'S ME AGAIN. I'M STANDING AT THE TOP OF MY SECOND FOURTEENER IN ONE DAY. I couldn't help but look around me at that moment, out to even more peak-encrusted horizon, and think two things: 1) I SERIOUSLY ROCK SO MUCH RIGHT NOW and 2) OH MY GOD, HOW AM I EVER GOING TO GET DOWN. But then I looked back from whence we came…

…and took a long, last look at the soul-stirring views around me…

…and convinced myself that, yep, the now gelatinous legs that got me up here can most certainly get me back down. Unfortunately for my wiggly walking sticks, the way down seemed to take forever. I'd like to think that our group's collective state of exhausted happiness and double-peak high would've made the trip down pass more quickly, but instead we all kept asking ourselves incredulously, "Are we there yet????" We did finally make it down and once we were back at the truck, celebrating "lady style" (ß what group of guys break out gourmet cheeses and crackers after a hike?), we reveled in the giddiness about what we'd just accomplished.

The lingering question that afternoon was, "Would you do it again?" Needless to say, none of us was eager for an immediate repeat (we could barely hear ourselves talk over our screaming muscles), but curiously threw out, "Maybe next summer?" Yeah. I bet we will. Even if the entire group doesn't go, I think I still will. I want to stand on top of the world again.

Wanna’ race for pink slips?

A couple of months ago (yeah, yeah, I'm a bit belated in my posting) I took my car to Bandimere Speedway for a little good old fashioned drag racing. Drag racing in an Audi sedan, you ask? Really? Yeah! Why the hell not? The only goal I had for 2008 was to make some new memories and I thought this would be an entertaining one to add to the set. It was a total kick of an experience and if you live in the Denver area, it's definitely something you should try for making new memories of your own.

Wednesdays from April through October are "Take it to the Track" test nights hosted by the Colorado State Patrol. Don't worry if you don't have a hot rod or fast car of any sort. It doesn't matter. People show up in a little bit of everything – from '90s Honda Accord sedans to totally tricked out, purpose-built drag racers. Everyone's just out to enjoy the cars, chit chat, and have fun. As long as you don't mind a bit of waiting between runs, you're sure to have a great time.

Here's how it works: You pay $30 to get in and once you're through the entry gates, you immediately go through a very cursory tech inspection. (Note that you don't need to prep your car or yourself in any particular way. You literally just have to show up. You could maybe even have groceries in your trunk holding that night's dinner and I don't think they'd mind.) Once you've passed tech, you get in line to run. There were three pairs of lines the night I was there and unfortunately, they were moving quite slowly. (There were apparently an unusually large number of cars in attendance that night.) They run through all the cars in one pair of lines before they move to the next, then the next, and it just rotates on through like that all night. When you're in line the cool thing to do is to put your hood up (to help your engine cool) and turn your car off. You roll slowly forward (when your line's actually moving) until you're a few cars back from the starting line, then fire up your car and wait to go.

It's amazing how much adrenaline starts pumping as you close in on the start line. Sitting at a light and waiting to drive fast in a straight line for a few seconds seems like it would be a pretty big non-event after having driven on a road track, but I was shaking noticeably as I watched the few remaining cars ahead of me blast down the track. When you're the next car to go, you drive up to the bleach blocks to warm your tires (which I skipped, since it's hard to get my 4-wheel drive car to do a 4-wheel burn out), then proceed up to the starting line. There's a light tree in the middle of the track that indicates via a small set of lights when you've pulled your car up to the proper starting spot. Once you and whatever car's next to you (it's a totally arbitrary match up – you just end up racing against whatever happened to be in the line next to you at that moment) are set, you get three descending yellows and a green. …and then you GO LIKE HELL!

(Sadly, I have no pictures of me going like hell, but here's one of the guys in our group getting ready to go in a car that had a bit more GO…)

Fortunately, one of the folks who was there with our group that night is a big drag racing guy and gave some great tips for how to run. Per his instructions, I revved the car to 4000 rpm after I'd gotten set at the line, gracefully (as possible) let out the clutch on the green, then redlined it in every gear until I reached the end of the track. I got all excited and missed a shift on my first run, resulting in a high 16s quarter mile. On the second run I hit my rev limiter in 1^st, but turned a 16.22 time. Neither time was anything to write home about (other folks in our group were running high 13s and low 14s), but it was a lot of fun and I'm glad to have given it a try. The neat thing is as you exit the track, they give you a little receipt that shows reaction, split, and finish times for you and the car (or for my second run, the motorcycle) that ran next to you. So not only do you get the memory of the experience, you also get a little paper token to take home with you too.

If you find yourself free one of the next few Wednesdays, take the family truckster out for a totally legal, fast as you can do it, quarter mile romp. You won't regret it.

4th Of July in Telluride, CO

I'd been itching since spring to go on a road trip, so on a whim (ok, well, it wasn't 100% whim – there was a little planning in there) I decided to drive to Telluride for the 4^th of July weekend. I'd originally planned to just take I-70 to Grand Junction then head south on Hwy 50 towards Telluride, but after some suggestions from (very wise auto-enthusiast) friends, I veered off I-70 at Glenwood Springs instead. Boy howdy, now there's a drive that can make your soul smile: CO-82 from Glenwood Springs to Carbondale, CO-133 to Hotchkiss, CO-92 to Delta, CO-50/550 to Ridgeway, CO-62 to Placerville and finally, CO-145 to Telluride. CO-133 was probably the best stretch of road in there, offering squiggly curves and scenic backdrops such as this to pose my car against…

(Note: If you look hard enough, you might just see my sweet new StopTech BBK lurking behind the front wheels.) But not even the Red Bomb set against a stunning background can compare to the scenery in Telluride…

I took that picture out east of Telluride, facing back west towards town, from the hike to Bridal Veil Falls. (A fantastic hike, by the way). And as it turns out, Telluride is also a pretty fantastic place to catch a fireworks show…

All in all, a memorable and amazing trip. Same drive and destination for next 4^th of July? We'll just have to wait a year and see!

(For the rest of my trip pics, check out this slideshow.)

Lotus Elise Driving School

I have never waited with such great anticipation as I did between signing up for and attending the Lotus Elise driving school put on by Spring Mountain Advanced Driving School in Pahrump, NV April 22^nd – 23^rd.  Fortunately, the track days finally came and the whole experience lived up to the high expectations I'd formed while I waited.

During this two-day program we got to drive Lotus Elises.  As you can see, they're itty-bitty, pocket-rocket cars – or shockingly huge, powerful go-karts, if you prefer – that you can just wind up and shoot around the track.  You point, they go.  Such fantastic, sticky little machines.  There's nothing luxurious about them at all (though the 2008 California edition seems pretty swank), but the lack of any plush interior appointments, power steering, functional air conditioning, floor carpeting, etc., just makes you love them more.  Needless to say, this #3 makes My Sweet #3 look comparatively like a mega luxo-yacht…

The folks at the Spring Mountain Advanced Driving School ensure you get a lot of seat time, so we were in the cars from nearly the moment the school started.  We did wet braking exercises (with and without ABS), skid pad exercises, cornering exercises, heel-toe shifting exercises, and got some lead-follow time ALL ON THE FIRST DAY.  On the second day we reviewed heel-toeing, did some more lead-follow work, and then they let us loose on the track in the afternoon.  It was FANTASTIC.

I attended this school with a bunch of friends I'd met through last year's BMW driving schools in Pueblo.  They're a great group of guys and tough to keep up with on the track.  (In fact, I couldn't keep up with them at all.  Fortunately, the euphoria that came from having learned how to heel-toe and that I wouldn't fling myself off the track if I didn't have an instructor next to me at all times overrode the shame that came from my lack of quickness.  But I shant fret.  The speed will come in due time, I'm sure.)

So that makes for three schools under my belt.  Now all I have to figure out is…where do I go from here?  There are a zillion other schools to try, more high performance driving events put on by auto club chapters to attend, local autocross events to enter, and so on.  Where will Les and the S4 show up next?  It's hard to say, but I intend to have an awesome time figuring that out.   

 

My trusty winter steed

We've had a decent bit of snow in the Denver/Boulder metro area this year.  One night a few weeks ago when the conditions driving home from work were particularly lousy, I had time (crawling along at 5mph, clutch leg developing shin splints) to wax poetic about how lucky I've been with cars when it comes to winter driving. 

My current car, the '06 S4, has yet to be tested by any really nasty weather conditions, though she did ferry me home safely when the roads were coated with ice that night.  Nary a misplaced tire the entire way, while others were slipping sideways, failing to stop, or failing to go.  Her predecessor, though, a '01 S4, was LEGEN..wait for it...DARY.  And so begins our trusty winter steed tale.

In March of '02 I drove out to visit my parents in Kansas City, pissed the entire way there and back because the new Blizzaks the car was wearing got all wobbly and weave-y over 85mph, speed limiting my prairie crossing blast.  On the drive home, around two-thirds the way across Kansas, I noticed that the cars coming towards me were covered in snow.  (I had time to notice this since I was driving so slow.)  Seemed odd, since the roads were completely dry and the fluffy gray clouds above were lazily floating along, minding their own business. Then it started to mist.  Then the temperature dropped below 32 degrees F and the mist started to build up a thick layer of ice on the backs of my mirrors.  Hmmmm...not good.  I'd driven in an ice storm before and promised myself then and there that were I ever to find myself driving in similar circumstances, I'd pull off.  Get a hotel room.  Be safe.  Unfortunately, my "we don't need to see the road to drive" (<-- a phrase actually uttered by my Dad long ago while driving during a wicked winter storm in Indiana) genetics kicked in, reinforced by a strangely strong desire to ...just...make...it...home, so like a big ole' idiot, I continued on.

Shortly thereafter I made a quick gas stop in Goodland, Kansas, and though I was pretty sure I'd heard I-70 was closed on the station's radio, I decided to press on.  And press on I did, cutting the trail at 10mph in a white-out blizzard using the roadside markers as guides in the late, gray afternoon for myself and the five cars behind me until we got forced off the road in Burlington, Colorado.  With the last hotel room taken by the occupants of one of the cars I'd intrepidly lead (BASTARDS!) I ended up sleeping on the floor of a church along with some 100 other weary, stranded travelers.

Hanging out around the altar area, I was lucky enough to befriend a family with a portable DVD player, which proved exceptionally handy for passing the time until I-70 reopened.  (Those poor folks, they'd flown down to Dallas to pick up the college junior-age daughter's new car -- a BMW 3-series convertible -- and got caught in this crap driving it home.  They'd already run the pretty little Bimmer into a light pole in Burlington.  Ouch.)  We watched a couple movies, then settled down for some unsettled sleep under a few donated blankets.  (Thanks to the folks of Burlington for those, by the way.)

The highway reopened around 3am, but our group decided to wait for sunrise to restart our trip West.  I offered to follow them out of town, which was a lucky deal, as one of the BMW's rear tires separated itself from its rim not 15 minutes outside of Burlington.  They left the car by the side of the road and called BMW roadside assistance to come rescue it as I ferried us all back home.  Them to Fort Collins, me to Denver.  The '01 S4 never missed a beat the entire way.  When I look back someday over all the cars I've owned, she'll surely win the award for trustiest winter steed ever.

So what does this mean for you?  What are your "take aways" from this blog post?  Here are a few:

1. A '01 S4 shod with Blizzaks can go anywhere, anytime.
2. Don't live in Burlington, CO.  They get some of the worst weather in Colorado, summer and winter.
3. If you didn't grow up driving in snow during Midwest winters, you don't know JACK about winter driving.
4. If the roads are bad, don't drive past your limits.  Be safe.
5. I love S4s.

Feel free to add others to this list as they come to you.

A letter from this author to my blog

Dear thewizardofosborne.typepad.com,

Sorry that I've been so horribly belated in updating your design and writing some new posts.  You've got a new design now (yes, it still needs work, I know) and new posts will be coming shortly.  I SWEAR.  I've seriously got a whole list of ideas in my Sandy account just waiting to be written.

Hang in there, blog.  I promise to have you back to your sarcastically sassy self soon. 

Love,
Wizard

A letter from this blog to its author

Dear Wizard,

Where are you?  I've called and paged and emailed and sent text messages and left voice mails and twittered and...you're nowhere to be found.  You promised to redesign me on New Year's day.  New colors.  New header graphic.  You promised to start writing more frequently.  But what have I gotten so far?  Bupkus!  Nada!  Zippo! 

You've let me down.  I'm not sure I have the energy to sustain this one-sided relationship anymore.  (sniff)  So you'd best do something about this situation before the end of the month or...or...WE'RE THROUGH!

Yours,
thewizardofosborne.typepad.com

The XF Cotillion (and associated experiences of an armchair car gal)

It’s a truly rare event for most of us in this world to see a new car introduced to society before it’s available to the masses. Sure, you read about them in car magazines and see spy shots on blogs, but nothing compares to making a hand-on-leather-and-metal, in-person acquaintance. This past week, I got to do just that. Jaguar held a preview party for its brand spanking new XF in the lobby of the peculiarly angular Hamilton building at the Denver Art Museum…and I had a ticket.

Since I’ve never been to the Hamilton building, nor have I ever been to the 4-wheeled version of a cotillion, I had no idea what to expect. So, with open eyes, a curious mind, and wearing a helmet to protect my head from the building’s pointy corners (no, not really…or did I?), I pushed my way through the Hamilton's revolving front door into automotive preview unknown. Once inside, I took a breath and paused to take it all in. To my right, a white (yes, white) Jag XF surrounded by an odd mix of 40+ men and a smattering of, um, arm-candyish women. (None of whom had abided by the “urban-chic” dress code mentioned on the event ticket, by the way. Everyone was more “suburban tacky” tempered by a skosh of “somewhat moneyed”, than urban chic.) To my left, a DJ was rockin’ some very, very loud rap music, which complemented the car and attendees perfectly, as you can certainly imagine. Straight ahead of me was the bar. I straightened the French cuffs on my urban chic shirt, tucked my urban chic handbag firmly under my arm, and made a bee-line for THE BAR.

With my urban chic shoes only a couple strides away from a glass of chardonnay, my progress was arrested by a 5’ 5”, 50+, teddy bear of a lady killer. He was a long time, loyal Jag owner, as were most of the people at the event, and was more interested in how I could’ve possibly arrived unattended than discussing the fine details of the XF. (Note that this would be a common theme for the rest of the evening.) Regardless, he broke the ice for my preview experience and sweetly ushered me into the unfamiliar (and ever so strangely uncomfortable) realm of Jag owners…who attend these sorts of things for the people, even more so than the car, according to my snuggly, diminutive, charming friend.

Before we proceed further with this story, I’d like to take some time out for a service announcement to Jaguar: Please identify your employees in some way at these events, such as to make it obvious to whom I should direct my questions when I’d like to learn more about the car at hand. It took me an unnecessarily long time to figure that out and would’ve allowed me to avoid chatting up those swingers that nice couple. Now back to your regularly scheduled blog post.

Once I found myself a Jag rep, convinced him that I was actually interested in the car and was not just milling around waiting for my husband/boyfriend/sugar daddy to order one for me, I did get some decent info. (I’ll write a separate post for all of that. And did I mention that the car was white?) After my cup had runneth over with XF factoids and I had grown weary of telling people that yes, I was there by myself, no, I did not currently drive a Jag, and yes, I actually was there because I was interested in the car, I quietly slipped away from the XF and out of the pointy Hamilton building back into the Denver night. Away from the throbbing music, away from the Jag lovers (who were mourning the lack of a leaping chrome cat on the hood of the XF), and away from my first automotive preview party. What a memorable ride.

I think both the XF and I made our society debuts that night. For the XF, it was a chance for Denver-area Jag aficionados to lay their eyes and hands on one of three revolutionary (for Jag) cars currently touring the country. For me, it was a chance for an armchair car gal to test her automotive mettle and see if she could swim upstream through a river of testosterone to extract the desired details about this (white, did I tell you it was white?) XF. And she did.

Ladies and gentlemen, if you look to your right, you’ll not only see a new Jaguar XF, but an equally unique Greater North American High Desert Car Gal. She’s a rare species, though fortunately for her kind, quite hearty.  We’re not sure how many of her particular type exist, but consider yourselves lucky to have seen her in exceptional urban chic plumage (albeit in this man-made, unusually loud, and sharp-edged habitat). In the wild, you’d be lucky to even catch a glimpse, though a sighting is typically marked by rapidly departing taillights.

My Sweet #3

This past weekend I attended my second driving school with the BMW club in Pueblo, CO.  Words just cannot describe how much fun those events are.  I love hanging out with the guys and talkin' smack, I love seeing all of the fantastically beautiful and cool cars people bring, and I love flinging the big red bomb around the track.  ...and because of that, and because of how well she takes care of me when I screw up, I dedicate this post to her, my sweet #3.

An Ode to My Audi S4: How do I love thee, my sweet #3?

For barreling down the straightaway and braking hard and straight.

For accepting lousy downshifts, even when done too late.

For keeping all four on the track, once all the traction's gone.

In the game of brake-lift-turn-pause-gas, you're sadly just a pawn.

But I know you're having fun out there, showing the boys what you can do.

Passing in a blur of red, bidding slower cars adieu.

Running errands or on the track, being all that you can be.

Who could ask for a better car than my very sweet number 3.

      

Sniff...

2007 Hikes

Last year I dutifully recorded each hike I did, such that I could remember which hikes I had and hadn't enjoyed.  This year I have been woefully pathetic in recording my hikes, so we're going to remedy that right here and now folks.  Hang onto your Vasque boots and MontBell jackets.  Here are the hikes I've done this year and what I can still remember about each of them:

White Ranch - Rawhide Loop:  It's a nice loop, very easy, and with pretty views.  ...and that's about all I have to say about that.

Ceran St. Vrain: It starts out well shaded in a dense pine forest and runs along a creek.  Later, as you turn to head towards Miller Rocks, it gets a little exposed, but not too bad.  Definitely climb to the top of the rocks (fret not, this is easy) to get a really nice view of the surrounding peaks.

Royal Arch: This is a great short hike and excellent workout.  The trail is super crowded, but everyone is very friendly.  If you go on this hike, be sure to walk through the arch and out to the edge of the rocks, then look north.  The view is absolutely amazing.

Bear Peak: This one's a killer, folks.  It's a whole lot of up, but man, the views from the top are amazing.  Bring LOTS of water and snacks and be prepared for a solid ass-kickin'.  I've done this hike twice this season and both times were quite painful.  That said, sitting at the very top of the highest rock on Bear Peak is AWESOME.

Mt. Sanitas: (Sorry, no pics -- forgot the camera this trip.) Though the views from the top are excellent, this is a tough hike up (think an hour and some of climbing stairs) and is very exposed.   The trail is also very crowded, but if you're looking for a good workout that ends in a great view, give Mt. Sanitas a try.

Beaver Brook: I walked along this trail for about an hour and a half, most of which was spent next to a burbling brook (Beaver Brook, I imagine).  It was very easy and a nice, well shaded walk.  If you're looking for a destination hike, though, this isn't for you.  BUT, if you're looking for snakes, this hike is for you.  (I saw my first snake ever on this hike.  Smack in the middle of the trail.) 

Vail Mountain: Ride the gondola up, then walk your way around and down.  This is the second time I've hiked around Vail Mountain.  The views are good, there's good shade, and you always see several deer.

Lake Isabelle and Lake Isabelle Glacier: Hands down, my two favorite hikes.  (The hike to reach the glacier continues on from Lake Isabelle.)  The scenery is unmatched for the level of effort it takes to get there.  And not only are the hikes great, the drive to get there is wonderful too.  A couple of notes... I think Lake Isabelle is prettier earlier in the season when the lake is still high and there's snow.  BUT, I don't think you can do the Lake Isabelle Glacier hike until later in the season, because snow likely blocks the trail earlier in the season (well, at least for fair weather, novice hikers like me).  Also, the Long's Lake trailhead parking lot fills up around 7:30am on the weekends, so if you arrive after that, be prepared to park a ways away and walk.

Happy hiking!